Jokes

[Admin]

Post your favorite jokes here.

[Admin]

New Holiday

Slap Your Co-Worker Day!!

Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about?

Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?

Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?

Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!

These are the rules you must follow:

You can only slap one person per hour - no more.

You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.

You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.

No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.

CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your "assault"
must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"

If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day!

[Admin]

Living Will



I, ___________________________ , (fill in the blank) being of sound mind
and body do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended
on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for any
one of the following: cold beer, mixed drink, fajitas, pizza, chocolate or
sex, it should be presumed that I am brain dead, thus living a life without
meaning and won't recover.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children
and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, call it a day
and go have some good B-B-Q and charge it to my MasterCard.

Under no circumstances shall the members of Congress enact a special law to
keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind
their own damn business, and pay attention to the health, education and
welfare of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma and who
are in desperate need of nourishment and medical attention.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't
care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run
for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with
someone else's life and leave me to die in peace.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a
political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his
or her existence a living hell!

[Admin]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. “Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”

He answers, “Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.”

[Tubby]

A Trip To The Doctor's Office

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

"Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help.

"She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.

"She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door.

"She tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked!

"You asked your neighbor?!! "


The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open." :)

[Nipples the Clown]

Subject: CATHOLIC SCHOOL
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually, she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, Who is our Lord and savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary
Margaret in the butt. Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Nun fainted.

[Nipples the Clown]

ETHICAL QUESTION . . . . . . .

In light of the news of the so called human cloning
going on, we have to ask ourselves the hypothetical
question. If you pushed your naked clone off the top
of a tall building, would it be:

A ) murder,

B ) suicide, or

C ) merely making an obscene clone fall

[Nipples the Clown]

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart Pharmacies.

They're going to be called....





"Pre-dick-a-mints."

[Donna]

I see it is official, you are Nipples the Clown. :)
Great jokes, keep them coming.

[Toad]

Should we have a poll of which of the clown avatars we like best? I like the one from yesterday where the clown was kind of looking through an oval shape.

[Donna]

I liked it better too. I'm still wanting something unusual though, befitting the name.

[Nipples the Clown]

I liked it better too. I'm still wanting something unusual though, befitting the name.
Maybe Ditto can help. HELP Ditto. Send me some clown pictures.

[Donna]

Yes, I believe Ditto could find something appropriate. He has had some great avatars.

[Toad]

Maybe Ditto can help. HELP Ditto. Send me some clown pictures.

PM him on NC.

[d-o-b]

PM him on NC.
or in here,..... Michael, remember????

[Toad]

or in here,..... Michael, remember????
sshhhhhhhhh............ ;)

[Tubby]

When I die I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not like the screaming passengers in his car.

[Toad]

Yes, I believe Ditto could find something appropriate. He has had some great avatars.

Something along the lines of a topless stripper with a clown face? :D

[Donna]

yeah, perhaps even a picture of Anna Nicole Smith. Did you see that the Supreme Court is to consider her appeal?

[Toad]

yeah, perhaps even a picture of Anna Nicole Smith. Did you see that the Supreme Court is to consider her appeal?

She is a real freak. How do you go from Playmate to a fat disgusting pig, back to a hottie? I guess now she is just a slimmer disgusting pig.

[Donna]

After seeing her on an award show and a couple other things, I think it is good that she is nice looking as she doesn't have a brain in her head.

She's a clown with big boobs.

[Toad]

Yes, I believe Ditto could find something appropriate. He has had some great avatars.


I may have had a Nipples the Clown sighting:

[Donna]

LOL, well it's a possibility.

[d-o-b]

I may have had a Nipples the Clown sighting:
ewwwwwwwwwwwww :eek:

[Toad]

ewwwwwwwwwwwww :eek:

There are some sick clowns out there. I'm starting to think Nipples is a bad clown:eek:

[Nipples the Clown]

How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

[Donna]

Lol!:D .....

[Nipples the Clown]

SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG CLOWN

* By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my
finger" trick.
* Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.
* Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
* References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.
* Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen
TV.
* Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
* Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
* Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into
other animal shapes.
* Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the
joint."
* Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
* Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
* More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his
pants.
* Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of
showing charts and complaining about the deficit.
* A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a
gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
* Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
* Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."
* Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world.
* All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.

[d-o-b]

SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG CLOWN
.
the one with nipples????? :D

[Nipples the Clown]

the one with nipples????? :D

I got feelings you know.

[Toad]

SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG CLOWN


* All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.


Opps I think I got the wrong clown:D

[Nipples the Clown]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[Hilly]

A POKER JOKE


Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these,
they're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles.
Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair -

no matter how big they are.'

[Hilly]

Calling in Sick...
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.


"What is the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

[Nipples the Clown]

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday

[Nipples the Clown]

Bush In Hell

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[Toad]

Greg, love the new avatar. I had forgotten about Homey the clown. He was really funny. "Homey don't play dat"

[Nipples the Clown]

Thanks Toad


Six Kinds of Sex
>
>1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the
>honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're
>blue in the face.
>
>2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the
>beginning of the
>marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even
>in the
>kitchen.
>
>3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed
>down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in
>the bedroom.
>
>4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase
>in which
>you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw
>you!"
>
>5. There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom
>Sex. This is
>when you get divorced and your wife screws you in
>front of
>everyone in the courtroom.
>
>6. And then there's Social Security Check Sex. You
>get it
>only once a month and it's never enough.

[Tubby]

PERFECT PASSWORD


A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to
enter a password. Something he will use to log on to the computer.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the
computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his
wife that he was keying in:

PENIS


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:


***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[Nipples the Clown]

Sale of louisiana

[Toad]

Sale of louisiana

Yes the French deserve Louisiana.

[Tubby]

Where is NIPPLES two days without a joke.

[Donna]

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteerted to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

[Donna]

Register 5
A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he
realized
he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she
could

have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't
know.

She asked him to drop his pants.
He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called
over
the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of
us,
was

up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the
checker
that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have
some
brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel,
picked

up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register
5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had
seen
was
way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live
female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the
register
he
told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to
drop
his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick
squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said.........."Cleanup,
Register
5."

[Donna]

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the
store.
On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same six
old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to
the manager.
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," he said, "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a
yard sale."

[Donna]

> A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
> friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They
> discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This
> went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
> noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

> He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like
it
> anymore?"
>
> She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked.

> She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little
> feathers down there!"

> "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He
looked and
> said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

> He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought
peanut
> butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken
> sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"


> She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

> She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got
the
> neck and the gizzards!!

[Donna]

A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but
if
you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In
over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to
control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes
later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my
honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen."

[Donna]

Subject: Sunday Morning Sex


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie
> went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
> grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather
had
> died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we
were
> making love on Sunday morning."
> Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years
> old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my
dear,"
> replied Granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we
figured
> out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start
to
> ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too
> strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."
>
> She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be
alive if
> the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[Donna]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid! She bought an air
conditioner."

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought
one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both
yer wifes put together....! I was going through her purse the other
day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!"

[Donna]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!

"WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
STICK!

"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you
CRAZY?

"Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE
SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving."

[Donna]

Nookie Green:

A man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month
since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every
week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are
forgiven. Now go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Another man goes to confession and says,"Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green
twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest
questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his
sermon , a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the
sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she
slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the
Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny
emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green
shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie
Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No
Father, I
think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

[Donna]

A man appeared before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you
ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the
Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of macho bikers
who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her
alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and
most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his
bike over, ripped his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told
him, "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me."

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

[Donna]

A recently widowed lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Bradenton Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Golf Lakes," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Nipples the Clown]

Subject: Halloween Costume

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days.

So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing?

Have you ever heard of a black Superman?

Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.

He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing?

Have you ever heard of a black Batman?

Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.

When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "take your clothes off.

You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino.

If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo.

And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle.

[Nipples the Clown]

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your
negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

[Toad]

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your
negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

Priceless!!

[Nipples the Clown]

TOP 10 LIST: INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN

10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.


9. Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."


8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.


7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.


6. The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a day."


5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.


4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges," is not a typographical error.


3. The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."


2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.


AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:




1. You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape

[Toad]

Carve away at this one:

http://www.toilette-humor.com/flash/carve_pumpkin.swf

[Nipples the Clown]

A little boy and a little girl were playing. The little boy exposes himself, and pointing says" my daddy says I have one of these and you don't!".

The little girl very upset by this runs crying into the house. A while later, very much settled and content, she comes out. She exposes herself and pointing says "I have one of these, and my mommy says when I get older if I am good, I can have all of those I want!".

[Nipples the Clown]

A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar." So the cucumber says, "yeah, you think that is bad, whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad." So the penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough?! Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, smelly room, and make me do push ups until I throw up!"

[Nipples the Clown]

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. The bartender tells the man that he cannot bring such a dangerous animal into the bar. The man assures him that the gator is completely tame and offers a demonstration. He opens the gator's mouth, places his penis inside and closes it. He then beats the alligator on the head with a stick. Then, he gently opens the gator's mouth, removes his penis and shows it to the crowd. There wasn't a scratch on it. He turns and says, "Now would anyone else like to try?"

A little old women raises her hand and says, "Yes I would, but please don't hit me on the head with the stick."

[Tubby]

While I was driving down the I-275 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have) I passed under a bridge only to see a cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked, "Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, " I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work it side to side until I get my other hand in, and then I slowly start to stretch the hole, until it's about six feet."

Then the cop asked questioningly, and very cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six foot asshole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."

Speeding ticket: $285.00

[Nipples the Clown]

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Brevard, Broward, Hillsborough, Pinellas, Orange, Osceola, Polk, Palm Beach and Sarasota Counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator' droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

[Toad]

Do you know any of these guys?

[d-o-b]

Do you know any of these guys?
I think one of them is Julio...:D

[Toad]

I think one of them is Julio...:D

I didn't want to say it about o'l monkey boy:D

[Toad]

I think one of them is Julio...:D

..and we know this is not him.

[jzt]

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Brevard, Broward, Hillsborough, Pinellas, Orange, Osceola, Polk, Palm Beach and Sarasota Counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator' droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

When I started reading this, I forgot I was in the Joke Section. I was trying to figure out if it was mating season or something and wondering what was going on with the alligators. I had to reread the last sentence a few times to finally remember it was a joke. Doh Doh Doh (When we were hiking in Colorado, my husband would blow a little whistle when turning corners - and had noisy key chains on his backpack)

[Donna]

jzt, I had e-mailed that joke a while back to some people. One called me up as she didn't get it. I had to explain it was a joke!

[Nipples the Clown]

Q.> Why are hurricanes named after women?
A.> Because they arrive all wet and wild and when they
leave they take your house and your car.

[Nipples the Clown]

H U R R I C A N E S U R V I V A L Q U I Z
--------------------------------------------

1. How are hurricane's names selected?

a. Named after Congressmen who are full of hot air
b. Names of spouses are submitted by divorced people
c. Page 824 in Miami's phone book
d. Hurricanes don't care what you call them


2. What do they call the most severe hurricane?

a. Category 5
b. Red Alert
c. Costly
d. HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII


3. If a hurricane Guido, with wind speeds of 104 MPH leaves the
Northwest African coast on Wednesday at 7:04 AM and is traveling
West at 16 MPH and hurricane Isabel, with wind speeds of 93 MPH
leaves Key West at 24 MPH on Thursday at 11:32 AM; when would
they meet?

a. Tuesday at 3:18 PM, but their luggage would be in Paris
b. Never, Isabel doesn't want to have anything to do with a
blowhard like Guido
c. Never, Guido said that there's no place for Isabel to stop
and ask directions; she'll probably end up in Rio
d. Trick question - hurricanes don't depart from Key West


4. You're flying in a small, single engine plane. You look up and
see a hurricane directly ahead. What's the first thing that
enters your mind?

a. It's got the right of way! It's got the right of way!
b. This is the last time I fly no-frills
c. I can't believe she's going to get EVERYTHING now!
d. I gotta change my shorts!
e. The windshield


5. A hurricane is dangerous if...

a. you get in it's way
b. it's had a REALLY bad day
c. you try to stop it to ask directions
d. you do not yield right of way


6. How do forecasters know a hurricane is coming?

a. Hurricanes ALWAYS leave a forwarding address
b. They have REALLY good binoculars
c. Hurricanes LOVE the beach
d. They send out a bunch of small boats and plot the sinkings


7. How can you protect your house in the event of a hurricane?

a. Sell it - QUICK
b. Bury it and dig it up later
c. Cover it with leaves and pretend it's a big bush
d. Two words -- Duct tape


8. What is the first thing you should do if a hurricane is confirmed
to be heading in your direction?

a. Check your supplies for the big hurricane party
b. Air drop a roadmap, of another area, into the eye
c. Put out all your trash for immediate air disposal
d. Begin drawing plans for the new house you will soon be building


9. What should you NOT do if a hurricane is coming?

a. Begin those remodeling plans you've been putting off
b. Put the cat or dog out (unless on a LONG leash)
c. Cancel your homeowner's insurance
d. Go on a picnic, to the beach


10. When is it a good time to evacuate your home?

a. When the water level reaches the roof
b. When your in-ground swimming pool becomes airborne
c. Shortly after your roof is declared a UFO
d. When people ask how you constructed a home without outer walls


11. Where should you evacuate?

a. A nearby lowland to wait out the floods
b. A tall location, like on top of a radio tower or one of
Florida's many mountain tops
c. Anywhere that has a happy hour and free munchies
d. Out to sea on a small craft


12. Why should you NOT stay close to the beach?

a. All the best spots are probably taken
b. Track in too much sand
c. Cooler keeps blownin' away
d. Hard to stay put under the 50'

[Toad]

1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair

1975: KEG
2005: EKG

1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux

1975: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1975: Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like MarlonBrando or Liz Taylor

1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage

1975: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM

1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint

1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones

1975: Being called into the principal's office
2005: Calling the principal's office

1975: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system

1975: Disco
2005: Costco

1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1975: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test

1975: Whatever
2005: Depends

[Nipples the Clown]

The Clown Joke

Once upon a time there were two (as opposed to three) identical twins, who, in defiance of all we know about the genetic basis of intelligence, were anything but identical mentally. One of them was, quite frankly, stupid, while the other was very sharp indeed. In fact, he was a master of ready wit and stunning repartee.

One evening the stupid twin went to a circus that happened to be in town. He went early so he could get a good seat in the front row, right beside the ring, and he thoroughly enjoyed the experience. He marvelled at the elephants, cowered from the lions, and gaped at the trapeze artists in their skimpy costumes; he reacted exactly the way he was meant to.

Last of all, on came the clowns. They were his favourite bit of the circus. All that falling over, all that water, all those custard pies - it was hilarious. The lead clown was the most ludicrous of the lot: he had bigger shoes, baggier trousers, brighter make-up and the most enormous red nose. And part of the lead clown's job was to make fun of people in the audience.

So the clown looked around for someone to hassle, and saw a rather stupid-looking man sitting right in the front row. Ideal. He went up to the stupid twin and said:

"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"

The stupid man sat there wishing that he hadn't come, wishing that the clown would go away and pick on someone else. He knew he wasn't very intelligent, and he knew he would come out of this looking very foolish. But he spoke up. "No," he said.

"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.

"No, I'm not," the stupid man replied.

"Then, sir," the clown said slowly, letting the audience savour the moment, "you are no end of an ass!"

The audience, having a fairly poor sense of humour, erupted into laughter. The stupid man just wished he could die. Fortunately for him, the show was soon over.

When he got home, the stupid man told his brother what had happened.

"Don't worry," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee, "I am a master of ready wit and stunning repartee. Tomorrow night I will go to the circus and make that clown look foolish."

So the next night, the master of ready wit and stunning repartee went to the circus, and got a front row seat. Being an intelligent man, he was considerably less impressed by the sight of dumb animals being made to do tricks, although he had to admit that the trapeze artists were rather tasty.

Then the clowns came out, and the one with the biggest shoes, baggiest trousers, brightest make-up and most ludicrously over-sized nose looked around the audience for someone to make fun of. He could not believe his luck. There, sitting in the front row, was the stupid man he'd got such a laugh out of the night before. So the clown approached the master of ready wit and stunning repartee and asked:

"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"

"No," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.

"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.

"No, I'm not," replied the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.

"Then, sir," said the clown, "you are no end of an ass!" The crowd went wild with laughter. The joke went down even better than it had the night before, and the clown felt on top of the world.

But just then the master of ready wit and stunning repartee stood up, smiled sadistically and said:

"**** off you red-nosed bastard."

[Mrs. Hein]

But just then the master of ready wit and stunning repartee stood up, smiled sadistically and said:

"**** off you red-nosed bastard."
Maybe it was a rough day in class today, but I'm not getting the punch line... I'm assuming the **** means "*u**" and rhymes with luck, but it still doesn't make sense to me. Help!!

[Nipples the Clown]

It’s just plain stupid. That’s all Mr. Wit could come up with, and yes, I have had a really rough day at work and Sorry, I will try to improve my jokes and its all Toads’ fault. He got me started. ssshhhhhh

[Toad]

It’s just plain stupid. That’s all Mr. Wit could come up with, and yes, I have had a really rough day at work and Sorry, I will try to improve my jokes and its all Toads’ fault. He got me started. ssshhhhhh
...tears of a clown.

[Nipples the Clown]

Now if there's a smile on my face
It's only there trying to fool the public
But when it comes down to fooling you
Now honey that's quite a different subject

But don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Cos really I'm sad, Oh I'm sadder than sad
Well I'm hurt and I want you so bad
Like a clown I appear to be glad ooh yeah

CHORUS:

Well they're some sad things known to man
But ain't too much sadder than
The tears of a clown when there's noone around
Oh yeah, baby baby, oh yeah baby baby

Now if I appear to be carefree
It's only to camouflage my sadness
And honey to shield my pride I try
To cover this hurt with a show of gladness
But don't let my show convince you
That I've been happy since you
Cos I need to go, oh I need you so
Look I'm hurt and I want you to know
For others I put on a show ...CHORUS

Just like Pagliacci did
I try to keep my surface hid
Smiling in the crowd I try
But in a lonely room I cry
The tears of a clown
When there's noone around, oh yeah, baby baby
Now if there's a smile on my face
Don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Don't let this smile I wear
Make you think that I don't care
Cos really I'm sad...

[Mrs. Hein]

It’s just plain stupid. That’s all Mr. Wit could come up with, and yes, I have had a really rough day at work and Sorry, I will try to improve my jokes and its all Toads’ fault. He got me started. ssshhhhhh
No, no, *I* was having a hard day in class this morning.... Your joke was so eloquent, I thought I was having a synapse misfire error for missing the punch line.

[Nipples the Clown]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man, he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high.

[Nipples the Clown]

Weve all been there but dont like to admit it. Weve all
kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something
brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves
otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate
pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking
a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but
doesnt know where it came from. Be careful when you do
this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in
and check for other pooers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to
become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if
they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do
not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did
not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel
uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a
hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in
the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the
water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to
stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As
with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always
look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer
before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to
monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and
identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly
of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer
of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking
a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove
all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire
, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in
peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when
the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
other bathroom attendees.

[Donna]

The Bear Remover
A Man wakes up in the morning to find a bear on his
roof. So he looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough,
there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number,
and the remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and get out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and
a mean old pit bull.

What are you going to do, " the homeowner asks?

I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then
I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the
roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off,
the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let
go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to
put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's this for?" asks the homeowner?
"If the bear knocks me off the roof! , shoot the dog!"

[Nipples the Clown]

Good one Donna

[billuscher]

You remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy.

* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's! making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM
60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "! When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!

[Nipples the Clown]

Three Italian Nuns In Heaven

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just
doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says....

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[Nipples the Clown]

Short message

[Nipples the Clown]

Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we
know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"
when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are
four billion stars, but check when you say the paint
is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by
lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but
duck when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still
apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you
use the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses and/or bras are
not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator
with hopes that something new to eat will have
materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen
times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down,
pick it up,
examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the
end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed
light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our
ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing
so,
why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all
right
so why don't we say, ! "That hurt, you stupid
idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch
something that's falling off the table you always
manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm
as it was in summer when we complained about the
heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try
doing it like your wife told you to do it?

And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then
don't take up sky diving!

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every
four persons is suffering from some sort of mental
illness.
Think of your three best friends, if they're okay,
then it's you.

[Toad]

Toad joke. Sad but true.

[d-o-b]

Lmao!!!!!!!

[Tubby]

A zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that has haunted me all of my days on earth... am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"

St Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know. Am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said "You are what you are.'"

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, that answers it. You are a white horse with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said "You is what you is"

[Donna]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

[Donna]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:

"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound
right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I
weigh
350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my
right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!... Sweet ! Jesus, I thought you said,
"Turn around"!

[Donna]

Old men think fast!

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some
fruit.
When he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond .
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you come out of the pond naked."
Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[Toad]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.


The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know.

[Non Member]

LOL Toad, that's a good one to pass around!

[Toad]

An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco,
Crisssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in aisle
D."

The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff.
I'm calling my husband."

The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're
out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"

"Lard ass."

[Patrick]

Subject: The question


This test only has one question but it's a very important one. By giving an*honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features *an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a*decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line.

You are in Florida. . . *in Miamito be exact . .

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in*the middle of this great disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the*water.

Nature is showing all of it's destructive fury.

You see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be*taken away with the debris. You move closer . . . somehow the woman looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is . . . it's Hillary Clinton!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her *under, forever.

You have two options: You can save her or you can take the most dramatic *photos of your life.

So, you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most *powerful women.

Here's the question and please give an honest answer:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Would you select color film or would you rather go with the classic *simplicity of black and white?

[Donna]

DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship.
I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm
really excited.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and
we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful
vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain
today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some
shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the
deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his
table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a
wonderful time. He is a very attractive and
attentive gentleman.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about
$80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him
in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete
with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the
night but I declined. I told him there was no way I
could be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little
sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and
spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me
and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a
charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him
for the night and again I declined. He told me that
if I didn't let him have his way with me he would
sink the ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today...
Twice!!!!!

[rogelah]

Important news jus in...

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors
lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been cancelled.

[Patrick]

Important news jus in...

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors
lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been cancelled.


Thanks for the warning!

For those of us not desiring the scissors in the temple option, how can we tell where a woman is in her cycle?Boom

[jzt]

Important news jus in...

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors
lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been cancelled.


Hehe - the secret is out! ;)

[Toad]

Important news jus in...

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors
lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been cancelled.

This explains a great deal.

[Donna]

Thanks for the warning!

For those of us not desiring the scissors in the temple option, how can we tell where a woman is in her cycle?Boom

send in a test dummy.

[rogelah]

Mars and Venus
RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER "T."

EXAMPLES OF THOSE DAYS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

TUESDAY
THURSDAY
TODAY
TOMORROW
THANKSGIVING
THATURDAY
THUNDAY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.. HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:

5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
NUDITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GIRLFRIEND AND A WIFE?
ABOUT 45 LBS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
ABOUT 45 MINUTES

WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT..........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE?
A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS "ONCE UPON A TIME....."
AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS........... "Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS SHIT

[Patrick]

send in a test dummy.


Is that a PA against HappyDad?Nono

[Mrs. Hein]

Is that a PA against HappyDad?Nono
I thought Donna was talking about Julio. Then I realized she said "test", not "testes"...

[Tubby]

Is that a PA against HappyDad?Nono

NO, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE :mad:

[Donna]

Is that a PA against HappyDad?Nono
Well, it wasn't but if he doesn't show up soon and start helping me out on the political issues, maybe it will be.:rolleyes:

[Tubby]

For all our Vets out there....Way to GO!

A college professor, a vowed atheist and active member of the A.C.L.U. was teaching his college class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove that there was no God.

Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!!!"

Again after four minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God!! I'm still waiting!!!"

His count down got down to the last couple minutes when a soldier, who was just released from the Army, after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and had newly registered for the class, walked up to the Professor. The Soldier hit him full force in the face. This sent the Professor tumbling from his platform. The Professor was out cold. The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The Soldier nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat in silence. The class looked at him and fell silent also ... waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the Soldier in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak, he asked: "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Soldier said, "God was really busy, protecting American servicemen and
women, who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an idiot. So, He sent me............."

[Toad]

For all our Vets out there....Way to GO!

A college professor, a vowed atheist and active member of the A.C.L.U. was teaching his college class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove that there was no God.

....."

I not sure this goes in the joke Forum, it seems too true to me.

[Tubby]

I not sure this goes in the joke Forum, it seems too true to me.

I was thinking the same thing. But if I posted it as a forum I would have to have proof it really happened :) .

[rogelah]

When opening a can of Carnation Evaporated Milk for your recipes, just smile and think of this.

A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farm since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000.00 for the best slogan. The producers wanted the rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all......"


She said, I know all about milk and dairy farms...I can do this! She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house....a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1,000.00 even though we will not be able to use it..."

Here is her entry:

Carnation Milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no hay to haul.
No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch.

[rogelah]

Blonde's Year in Review:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

[Donna]

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?'

'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'

'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'

'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and
sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer is sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'

'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape --I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!'

'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back.

'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. 'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?'

'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow.'

'Hang on,' the farmer says. 'I'll get my hat.'

[Toad]

If that kid came by with dickweed I would be concerned.:eek:

[Toad]

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted
by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some
information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound
lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens
demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

[Donna]

A little list of "Doc-isms"

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable
that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time
with you.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're
going to pay for it.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this
one.

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about
this.

[Mrs. Hein]

Not really a joke, as such, but a funny contest...

http://www.southflorida.com/news/sns-ap-wacky-warnings,0,2427316.story?coll=sfla-news-fringe
Heat Gun Wins Wacky Warning Label Contest
By Associated Press
January 6 2006, 4:42 PM EST

DETROIT -- A warning that consumers shouldn't use a heat gun that produces temperatures of 1,000 degrees as a hairdryer has won an anti-lawsuit group's award for the wackiest label of the year.

The Wacky Warning Label Contest, in its ninth year, is conducted by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch as part of an effort to show the effects of lawsuits on warning labels.

"When judges see it as their job to dismiss cases that are rooted in frivolous theories, we'll see fewer wacky labels and more fairness in the courts," said Robert B. Dorigo Jones, the group's president.

The $500 first prize went to Tom Brunelle of Holland, who spotted the heat gun warning.

The $250 second prize award went to Jam Sardar of Grand Rapids for a label on a kitchen knife that warns: "Never try to catch a falling knife."

Third prize of $100 went to Alice Morgan of La Junta, Colo. She found a cocktail napkin with a map of the waterways around Hilton Head Island, S.C., printed on it that cautioned: "Not to be used for navigation."

An honorable mention went to Kirk Dunham of Seabrook, Texas. He found this warning on a bottle of dried bobcat urine used to keep pests away from garden plants: "Not for human consumption."

* __

On the Net:

Wacky Warning Label Contest: http://www.wackywarnings.com
Copyright © 2006, The Associated Press

[Steve]

The $250 second prize award went to Jam Sardar of Grand Rapids for a label on a kitchen knife that warns: "Never try to catch a falling knife."

[/B]




I wish I had read that lable.... several months ago I went to put a big kitchen spoon and a large butcher knife in the dishwasher. One got stuck and fell back out. Due to reflexes I quickly caught it. Unfortunitly it was the knife and nearly cut me the the bone.

[billuscher]

A cute puzzle, seee if you can figure it out

http://trunks.secondfoundation.org/files/psychic.swf

[Non Member]

How'd they do that, Bill?

[Steve]

How'd they do that, Bill?


Cute.... I was pretty impressed until I figured it out. Whoo

[Non Member]

How'd they do that, Steve? :)

[jzt]

Everytime someone sends that link, I forget how it works.

Once you figure it out, it is kind of silly. But very cool. :)

[Steve]

How'd they do that, Steve? :)

I will send it to you in PM so I don't ruin it for others.

[Toad]

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got an erection I couldn't bend it even using both hands.

By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"

"So", says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, "says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

[rogelah]

BEER, FISHING, S*X & GOLF:

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and s*x."



************************************************** *****************

[Non Member]

LITTLE TONY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Tony says, "I have a question for YOU."

"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


LITTLE TONY ON MATH

Little Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father ?

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies Tony.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"

"What's the f'n difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said !"



LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"

Tony says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Tony, that's a mouthful."

Little Tony says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of blow-job."



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR


Little Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, Tony, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tata's, you'd be a TEN !"


LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just f'n beautiful!'"


LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"

Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own f'n business."

[Nipples the Clown]

THE RIGHT AGE FOR CUSSING
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell" and you say "ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he